I’m still in a bad mood.
A really, really bad mood.
I have a migraine that just won’t stop. I feel rotten and shaky. The subway, after my last repair call, was hot and the person beside me wore enough perfume to choke a horse. Thanks lady, as though my head didn’t hurt enough – that just added fuel to the migraine.
While on the subway, I came up with a list of sure fire ways of ensuring your computer support bill is the highest it can be. In case you weren’t aware of it, I am a computer techie. Don’t get me wrong – I love most of my customers. Matter of fact I enjoy helping most of them out. I especially love the true techno peasants. They crack me up with their observations about the insidious intrusion computers have made in their lives. I love teaching people how to use their computers. But some… oh some customers seriously piss me off.
Here is a list of things customers (who will remain nameless) have done that have guaranteed a BIG INVOICE from your’s truly:
- Call me up on Christmas Day and tell me how urgent it is I come over “right now” to help them install the new game they gave their kid. This is not an emergency. No matter how much money you promise me, I still will not show up.
- Leave a vague message for me about how you would like to see me, on Sunday, then when I don’t show up on Sunday afternoon (after being told I don’t work on Sundays), call and leave a really snotty message on my machine about how “truly disappointed I am in you”. Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
- Call me at 10:30 on a Saturday night of a long weekend with a trivial matter, and then send me a really nasty email before 10am Sunday morning about how I never answer your calls. And you wondered why I didn’t call you back?
- Leave a message on my machine calling me all sorts of foul things because you wanted me to show up NOW even though you didn’t book an appointment. Here’s a tip – I never, ever return phone calls that are profanity laced. Can’t be bothered with you.
- If I have asked you politely in the past not to wear perfume because it triggers migraines, please take me seriously. When I show up and you smell like you bathed in eau de stink then I will bill you for the migraine. Yes, it will cost you.
- Don’t put me in a small room with your computer and a cat’s litter box that has not been changed in over a week. If little Fluffy is wearing a gas mask and haz mat suit just to use it, then it’s not healthy for Fluffy or Catpaw. I will be annoyed. It will cost you.
- Please have some consideration. If I ask for a fan to cool the room down, I’m not being difficult. You wouldn’t keep a dog tied up in the room because of the heat – don’t expect me to work in the sweat box. And saying, “oh I only put the air on when I need to use the computer” will only tick me off. It will cost you. A lot.
- If the room is so cold icicles are forming on the monitor, a little heat is in order. Again, I’m not being difficult. If I have to wear mittens while fixing your computer I will be angry. It will cost you.
- I don’t mind working in small places, but if I bang my head on the ceiling each time I stand up then the spot is too small. I am only 5 feet tall. Any ceiling I bang my head on is way too low. I am not used to whacking my head on a ceiling. It’s a new experience and one that is guaranteed to really annoy me. It will cost you.
- Don’t argue with me about your password. Yes you do have one. It is not my fault you didn’t write it down or don’t remember it. Telling me “I’ve never needed it before” doesn’t help. Arguing that you don’t have one is going to annoy me. You were assigned a password when you got your email account. Just because you can’t remember it, doesn’t mean I’m lieing to you about it’s existence. The more you argue the more it will cost you.
- When I ask for your software disks and you say “oh I lost them a long time ago” do not get angry with me when I say I can’t fix your problem without the disks. I did not throw them out. If I have to find someone with the same arcane program it will take a lot of my time. And yes I will bill you for the time.
- Do not get into a pissing match with me when I bill you for the 3rd time for the same assinine mistake. If I have warned you not to delete your Windows directory twice now, and that I will bill you extra if I have to come back and reinstall your software, then don’t delete the directory. The only reason I am billing you extra is you previously complained it was my fault because I didn’t put the warning about the essential files in writing the first time. Do you have a hearing problem? I was very clear in my previous warning. You annoyed me so I said it will cost you more next time. Stupidity comes with a price.
- I will not install pirated software, so don’t ask. That goes especially for that nifty little piece of pirated anti-virus software. Asking me 3 times won’t change my mind. Pleading poverty with me doesn’t cut it. I saw the BMW SUV sitting in your driveway.
- Don’t be lazy. If you want me to call your internet company to solve a problem, please have a phone handy. I will not be a happy cat if I have to go up and down a flight of stairs because your computer is on the 3rd floor and the phone is on the second floor. I know what a phone jack looks like. I see it … please don’t shrug and say “oh well, its good for your heart”. It may be good for my heart, but not for your’s when you get my invoice.
- In the same vein, when you hand me the phone to use, please, please make sure its clean. If I start gagging and my eyes role into the back of my head, then the phone is so disgusting I’m in the process of passing out from shock.
- Ditto for your keyboard. Please eat your dinner elsewhere.
- If I turn your computer on and find out you love cruising porn sites, I will not be happy. Especially if you have a smirk on your face when I see more than I ever wanted to. What you do in your own time is your own business. Don’t bore me with it. This relates to the above point. If your keyboard is disgusting, I’m gone. I love to watch that smirk slide off your face when you get my very large invoice.
- Don’t say to me “but the screen doesn’t look like [insert any person you know]’s computer”. I do not possess a crystal ball. I do not know what aunt Fanny’s computer looks like. I am not going to spend 2 hours trying to figure out what the mythical computer setup is. The more you assert the computer can’t be right because it looks different the more it will cost you.
- Have you changed jobs? When I arrive to make sure your computer is okay don’t b*tch and complain that it isn’t the same as the computer you had at your last work place. The software looks different because it is different moron! You were using Corel WP, among other different pieces of software in the old place. You are using MS Office now. They are 2 different products. I cannot perform miracles. That complaint you lodged with your boss about me being difficult didn’t worry me a bit. Matter of fact, I read your complaint and handed it back to your boss with these gems “If it stresses her out so much then perhaps she should go back to her old job. The things she wants changed will cost you over $1,000″. Your boss looked at me over his glasses and said “seriously?” and I said “very” and left. Before I left I gave your boss an extra invoice for the aggravation you caused. He paid it. He wasn’t happy. I’m still his tech support. Where are you?
- If I am under your desk chasing a cable and start to back out cursing and swearing, banging my head on the way – you will really pay. You have just discovered the biggest phobia I have. Please clean out all spiders from the back of your desk. I do not deal well with spiders the size Shelob. And if there is a nest of them back there … well … it will cost you.
- If I find roaches inside your computer, I’m outta there! No questions, nothing. I will pack up my kit bag and leave. Find new tech support.
- Keep your kids out of my kit bag. I do not like it when your 10 year old starts rummaging around my tool bag. If I discover my flash drive or screwdriver in his/her pocket then you will pay a lot extra. Show me some respect.
- Do not say “my 9 year old nephew said he can do the job for $20″. By all means, call in your nephew. Let him fix your problem. I have been in the business for over 10 years now. He wasn’t even an evil thought when I started in this business. If you have a youngster who is curious about what I am doing – please have him/her ask questions. I love it. But do not equate a 9 year old’s ability to trouble shoot your problem with my experience. This is insulting. When you get my bill for clearing up the problem your nephew made in “fixing” the original problem, I will get a great deal of joy out of watching you turn pale.
- Do not haggle over my price. If you are cash strapped I am always willing to give you a break. But if you insist your nephew is a lot cheaper then you just piss me off. $20 for 3 hours worth of work won’t even cover my travelling costs. I am in this to make a living. I am not fixing your computer for free. Nor am I willing to compete with an unrealistic pricing scheme. You know my prices. Again, if you are having a bad month, tell me. I will help you along.
- Don’t stand over my shoulder and second guess every key stroke. If you could fix the problem, then why am I here?
Please ask questions. Ask me! I love answering question. I don’t mind going over something 3 or 4 times if you are having a problem. I am patient. I love teaching people. I love fixing computers. But I do not like being treated like a fool. Nor do I like dealing with fools.
Rant over … I’m going home now.
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