Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

To: The US State Department and Homeland Security
CC: Disney Corporation

Re: see my previous post concerning US film inclusion of Horseshoe Falls in American film

I’ve decided, in my quest to reassert Canada’s claim to the Horseshoe Falls for Canada, to supply the State Department with a little map of the border between Canada and the USA.

I sincerely hope it helps identify where the border is.

I realise borders can be very pesky to you busy folks, but I can’t help but be terribly concerned you may miss a few errant Canadian beavers and other assorted other terrifying northern creatures that may be attempting to cross the border at the Falls, into the US.

I’ve included all pertinent information that may help the State Department in the future. Please feel free to download and print the handy map I have created for you. Seriously consider pinning the map to your cubicle walls if necessary. I know how hard it is to remember just where borders are. I mean, it’s not like the borders have been around for 200 years … oh wait … they have! Imagine that. Still, its an aweful lot to expect professionals to remember such an insignificant thing like a BORDER! Or say, where an entire foreign national treasure lies before laying claim to it.

I think you should try this piece of logic on Buckingham Palace and the Eiffel Tower. I’m sure the British and French would love to discuss “how proud America is to share” these national icons with you. Let me know what they say.

Please forward a copy of this to Disney. They seem to be stuck in fantasy land as well, when it comes to border recognition.

The brilliant minds down south in Washington, and further down in Disneyland have pulled a bone headed mistake. They have claimed the Canadian side of Niagara falls, the Horseshoe Falls, as part of the US in their new promotional film. One of Canada’s best know and loved landmarks is now appearing in a US government video as part of the magnificent US landscape.

Now get this, the Horseshoe Falls clip was filmed in Canada. Obviously whoever filmed it didn’t understand that when you cross the border – you know, the big demarcation between the US and Canada, the place with all the little booths set up to question you when you go back and forth – you are in a different country.

What scares me about this incident is the film was produced by the State Department and Homeland Security. These yahoos can’t even figure out where the American border is. How the hell are they going to defend it? Even more pointedly, isn’t it the job of the State Department to understand borders?  And hopefully have a basic understanding of foreign sensitivities?

In a nifty little soft shoe routine, State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said, “[the Horseshoe Falls] is a shared natural wonder, a gateway for both our countries and anyone looking at the video will understand how proud America is to share it with Canada.”

Sorry mate, but the Horseshoe Falls are the gateway to Canada, not the US.

This piece of propaganda will be shown in airports, embassies … you name it. But the State Department sees nothing wrong with showing this obviously flawed video to the unsuspecting public. Don’t let facts get in the way of a good movie, right?

I, Catpaw, am reclaiming the Horseshoe Falls as part of Canada. I am putting the world on alert to this fact. And I am issuing a clear statement to the Bush administration – for god’s sake buy a flipping map (preferably one NOT printed by Homeland Security), get a clue and leave us out of your twisted little world view.

Let me explain this in terms even the State Department and Homeland Security can understand, I’ll try to use little words:

Canada is not spelt USA.
Canada is not a US state.
Horseshoe Falls is on Canadian soil.
Americans are welcome to come and visit and admire the Falls and more.
When you go home, please leave the Falls where you found  it. We don’t mind if you take souvenirs, but draw the line at taking the Falls with you. I don’t care what the State Department told you, it still does not belong to the US and trying to move a couple of yards down the river will only piss us off.
Redo this silly video to show the US side of the Falls. Have the guts to admit you made a mistake in editing and correct the film, don’t stand up and say there is nothing wrong with this.

Bad enough during the 1992 World Series, our flag was hung UPSIDE DOWN  during opening ceremonies, and later our national anthem was sung to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree (it’s not, we still haven’t stopped sighing over that incident), and your government wants to send Federal agents into Canada anytime it sees fit to, don’t aggravate us further by claiming our Falls. We are a bit touchy about that.

I’ve been quite negligent in my writing the past few days. Blame it on the bizarre weather here in Toronto. We seem to ricochet from one extreme to another. It was a glorious weekend – sunshine and unseasonably warm. Where was I? In bed with a migraine that wouldn’t stop. Finally lifted yesterday. Today? Wet, chilly and miserable out there. You guessed it! No migraine. There is no justice in this world! I lost what might be the last good weekend before winter takes hold. I’m going to mutter about that all day.

To make matters worse, there is all this construction going on in the neigbourhood. Endless jackhammers and trucks. They start, in theory, at 8am. In practice they sometimes start as early as 7am. Even on Saturday I can hear them banging away.

First it was road repairs, then one new condo just down the street. They did beautiful job on the building and it adds a nice element to the area. I like it a lot.

Then just as that condo development settled down, a new one started up – and these are the cheapest, ugliest townhouse/condo’s I’ve ever seen. I watched as they were built and can’t believe how crappy the job has been. Each condo has been sold for over 1/2 a million dollars. I read their brochure and figured anyone buying these condos were being taken for a ride by the developer. The back of each condo faces right smack into an apartment building on the same lot. Each morning you can throw back your curtains and look straight into someone’s apartment. Nice. Know what rates as a technology feature? “white toggle switches and matching  plugs”. Sorry folks, the basic light switches and wall plugs, in plain white, are not technology features. They are required. Seriously, when was the last time you moved into a place and had to ask for the light switches and plugs to be installed because they were a “feature”. No, not a feature, a standard required item here in Canada.  As the summer progressed, I watched in utter horror, as the construction crew put up boards that were crooked – the outside walls showed gaps of up to 3 – 4 inches between the boards and the outer frames. It looked like some of the boards were nailed to the insulation. And when we had rain, the warping on the same walls was shocking. If I can see this from the sidewalk, how bad is it really? Latter the workers came along, threw up some pieces of wood to fill the cracks and then put some bricking over wall. Can’t you just see the problems in a few years?

That entertainment is nearly over, they are just about ready for occupation.

While this was going on, subway repairs were carried out. The huge trench is still out there. The repairs that were supposed to take a few months have now dragged into over a year. Every once in awhile someone comes along to pump water out of the trench. Usually a some ungodly hour, with a very noisy truck.

Oh and the city is ripping up the newly repaired road again. Nearly 2 weeks of jackhammering, pounding and grating. Keep in mind this is a major road here in the city. As a result, drivers are impatient and all we hear from 8am to 10am and 4pm to 6:30pm are horns and screeching brakes.

I forgot, the city has been tearing up the sidewalks in the area as well. Oh.. and the street car rails have been torn out and put in twice in less than a year – the noise from that was unbearable.

I guess I’m being cranky today.  It was a bad weekend. Now I have to go out into the rain and cold. Could be worse. I could have to do this with a migraine. Guess I should consider myself lucky. I’d rather be crabby.

I’m at my usual place – my favourite cafe, eating and drinking cappuccinos and have begun to ponder the decline of the articulate insult. Insulting one’s opponents was an art form no so long ago. It took flair and certain amount of literary panache to come up with an intelligent insult. Today, alas, insulting someone has been watered down to foul language and nasty comments.

Why, you are asking, am I sitting here thinking such strange thoughts? The answer could be, I’m bored and I have a low grade migraine. Or it could be I was sitting here enjoying myself when some clod with a cell phone intruded upon my peace of mind and threw a temper tantrum on the phone. Evidently his vocabulary is very limited to base bodily functions. All so terribly boring. Why not tell someone to go do rude things to their lower anatomy rather than F@ck themselves? It sounds so much more intelligent.

Canada’s own Sir John A. MacDonald (our first Prime Minister) was a legend when it came to insulting his opponents. He was a hard drinking politician who added a great deal of colour to any campaign he was on. During an election stop, in 1863, Sir John A., hung over, vomited during his speech. His opponent was making great hay from the unfortunate event when Sir John responded:

I get sick … not because of drink [but because]I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent.

An excellent comeback.

How about we bring back the term guttersnipe. How wonderfully descriptive is that word!

British politician Denis Healey once described an attack by rival politician Geoffrey Howe as being “savaged by a dead sheep”

Benjamin Disraeli was a master of the barb. He once described his opponent, Robert Peel as having a “smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.” Oh.. cold!

Another favourite is “A rich rogue nowadays is a fit company for any gentleman” in reference to Robert Walpole. This line could be applied to almost every practicing politician today.

Teddy Roosevelt was no slouch in the insult department, “he has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair”. I’m not sure who he was talking about.

Oscar Wilde said “he has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”

Edit Sitwell wrote a very appropriate line, “A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits.” I think in this day and age, this may apply to speech writers.

I’m not sure why we settle for such base insults. Perhaps its a symptom of the hurried pace in our lives. How often do we get to stop and think? Maybe, we simply need more dictionaries. I think everyone should learn 1 new word every 3 days.

I haven’t watched this new show, though it is hard to miss the ads for it. Huge posters pepper the streetcars and subway stations here in Toronto. It’s a Showcase tv miniseries about the life of young Henry VIII.

There is something unsettling about the posters. The title character – Henry of course – has been groomed and plucked until there isn’t a hair on his body. No chest hairs, no arm hairs – yuck! He is the quintessential metro sexual male. All smooth baby soft surfaces and not a hair out of place.

Now my question, perhaps best answered by Cardinal Wolsey himself, is this:

Did Henry suffer from such a bad fashion? Did he have every hair on his body plucked off?

He looks terribly downtown in the photos. Have the series producers done another disservice to history and remade our hero with 21st century morals and styles? I was under the impression King Henry was the picture of viral manhood.  I can’t remember ever reading his court was obsessed with body hair – body lice perhaps, but not body hair.

Am I wrong? Anyone?

I personally find this fashion obsession with shaving every inch of the body a bit overwhelming and quite frankly creepy.  It makes the man a bit androgynous.

Believe it or not, I’m still struggling with the film Nightwatching. I saw it during the Sept. Toronto Film Festival and haven’t decided what I really think about it. Can’t quite make up my mind whether I liked it or loathed it. But after seeing the number of people who have landed on this site looking for a proper review of Nightwatching, I decided I had better write one up.

Its one of those odd films that stays with you, gnawing away.

Visually, the film was a smashing success. Each scene was framed like a Rembrandt painting. This was totally cool! I enjoyed the framing, the colours, the movement. It was an incredible hommage to his work.

But…. oh there is a big but …. I just can’t get past the incredible potty mouth on Rembrandt. Not just Rembrandt, but on all the principles. I am not one of those that believe past generations all spoke in high tones and Shakespearean verse. They spoke just like we do – swearing, slang and contractions. However …. the dialogue was so … so …. potty mouthed! I just can’t get past it. I don’t know anyone who swears as much as this group did!

The dialogue let down the entire film, turning it from a wonderful spectacle to a farce in the wings.  I sat through about 40 minutes of the film trying to figure out who Rembrandt reminded me of. Have you ever watched the BBC series Blackadder? Rembrandt reminded me of Lord Flashheart, a reoccurring blowheart of a character with a foul mouth and bloated ego. For the rest of the film, this is all I could think of. I kept waiting for Edmund Blackadder to slide onto the scene. Kind of ruined the rest of the movie for me.

The film would have been better as a silent offering, with music in the background and no dialogue. Then it would have been fascinating. With the sound it was mundane and a bit boring. I found the script tedious and at times silly.

I’d be hard put to recommend this film to anyone. It was a tremendous letdown because it could have been oh so much better.