Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

I wander around the web looking for interesting tidbits. A while back I landed on a site that does a pretty good job trying to answer people’s questions on just about every topic imaginable.

….

HOWEVER ….

Some questions just scream out for a smart ass answer. In an monumental effort to contain the urge to scatter inappropriate answers across the site, a couple friends and I swap these questions and our own spin on what the answers should be via email. I thought I’d share some with you today.

What did the British Navy call their Battleships prior to World War 1?
Big Floaty Things

Did Champlain explore for gold god or glory?
None of the above. Actually he got lost while looking for the exit to Paris and refused to ask for directions.

How long do you cook a 22lb turkey if you set oven at 400 F?
Oh about 10 hours ought to take care of that bad boy!

What year did king James first die?
He first died in 1066, then he came back for another kick at the can and died again 10 years later. They kept killing the bugger but he just keeps returning.

Who fought in the US and the Britian war?
This was a little know war between the two countries – fought entirely with mashmallows and candycorn. The major combatants were the Germans and the Hungarians.

With whom do mules mate?
Mules follow a strict mating protocol – they go to the local pub and cruise until they get lucky.

What are 4 ways Canada fell History?
Don’t get me started on how many times we’ve fallen out of the history books… feckin Hollywood retelling of history.

Where to find a call girl in karachi?
I’m sure the local police force would be happy to help you out with this one

Any call girl cell no?
Once again, your local police would be thrilled if you gave them a call and asked their advice on this one.

When was bg knocc out born?
Did his mother name him that? Seriously… who wants to go around known as the kid who can’t spell their own name. Whatever happened to Harold, or Ernest as a name…

Is there a way to tell a girl giraffe from a boy giraffe?
Same way you do with kittens, lift their little tails and take a peek

Can you buy a giraffe?
Only after you finish that roof extension

Can a human become a giraffe?
WTF????

What is defrost?
Da’s de stuff on de ground when it gets cold

Things about a snow leper?
Oh the horrors of snow leperousy! The poor snow lepers are all shipped off to warmer climates until de frost falls off and they are healed

Can a cat get a lion pregnant?
Yes, but it won’t be pretty to watch

Why do sheep run?
They don’t want to miss out on all the great Christmas wool sales

Is sleeping with socks on bad for your eyesight?
It depends entirely upon whether the socks are clean or very, very dirty.

How can i determine the sex of my goldfish?
same way you tell the sex of your pet giraffe, lift it’s little tail and take a peek

How do you preform a sea section on a hermit crab?
Oh the smart ass answers that are running through my brain right now!

In terms of politics if a us citizen becomes a zombie are they still eligible to vote?
Yes they are eligible to vote – the election of George W Bush twice in a row confirms this

What is spy hopping?
Sex games spies play

What island does calypso live on?
Actually Calypso doesn’t live on an island. She’s so afraid of the water she packed up and moved to the desert.

What is the cost to get your tongue pierced in jacksonville Florida?
Thath questhion would be ethier to anther if i hadn’t had my thongue perthed.

How do you change your spit color?
First off, it’s coloUr, not color. Learn to spell the Queen’s English. It’s also neighboUr, laboUr and favoUr while we are at it.
Second, spitting is disgusting. Anyone that spits should have their lips glued shut as punishment.

How can you look like rosalie cullen?
Plastic surgery

How poseidon became god of the sea?
He applied for it. The interview process was rigorous but he turned out to be the best candidate for the job

What is the human impact of the Pudding fish?
Well, humans have been hunting Pudding fish for centuries. Ever since they were first discovered in the wilds of Essex, they have been prized for their yummy flavour. In December they take on a rather lusturous coating of rum sauce, making them a highly prized catch for Christmas dinner.

What did explorers drink water out of?
The skins of Pudding fish

Wat will happen if u smoke weed?
You will loose your ability to spell

Do you Lala?
Yes. I also cha cha cha

I can’t believe it! Tottenham is no longer bottom of the heap in the Premiership League. For those of you that don’t follow British soccer (football to the world) Tottenham hasn’t just been bad, they have been monumentally bad. Look in the dictionary for the following words atrocious, awful, pathetic, heart rending, abysmal, barrel scrapping and embarrassing and you’ll be redirected to Tottenham Hotspurs.

Oh man, how bad have they been? Well, let’s just say I gave up wearing my Tottenham scarf because I was too embarrassed to be seen in it. I was laughed at by a TTC conductor who is an Arsenal fan. I was laughed at by a Sunderland fan in a store for god’s sake! How humiliating was that… laughed at by a SUNDERLAND FAN of all people.

AH! But they are no longer bottom of the barrel. They are just a teeny, tiny centimetre above the bottom. They’ve begun to figure out how to put the ball in the opposing teams goal. Holy Sh*t I didn’t think they knew how to. West Brom is now the bottom feeders, phew.

If they start playing like they did at the beginning of the season, I just may have to go over there and kick some butts!

I just might be able to start wearing my beloved Tottenham scarf again.

I admit it.  I can’t leave Palin alone. As long as there is a sliver of hope that this bully will gain the office of President, I won’t be happy. Here’s her latest quote:

I’m like, okay, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door

Can’t you just hear her talking to foreign leaders? What a blast that would be! Here’s what I think a meeting with a Canadian official would be like:

Yea like, you (whispers to an aide: where did you say this guy was from? Canada?)

Like you Canadas (what? Canadians? That a word?)

You Canadians (whispers again: You sure that’s a country? Where are they from again?)

You Canadians have oil and water and stuff we need. Like it’s, like God’s will we have it, so don’t be stinkers and just, like hand it over.

OMG! She’s an Alaskan Valley Girl! I haven’t heard so many like’s come out of one mouth since eavesdropping on a couple of teenage girls talking about how much they disliked their teachers. While I’m waiting for subways and streetcars, I idly make up conversations between Palin and various government leaders. It’s a fun game. Well, it’s all fun and games until I invent a conversation between Iranian crackpots and Palin. It’s usually about this time I scare the sh*t out of myself and decide this isn’t funny afterall. I’d offer to buy her a thesaurus so she can gain a vocabulary, but I really don’t want to encourage her.

OMG, like I am joining the local chapter of PAA – Palin Addicts Anonymous.

Do you hear that?
No, that whump.
It’s coming from all over the world.

That is the sound of millions of bigots spinning in their graves. Great sound isn’t it? Despite running a campaign of division and hatred, the Republicans lost. Well, actually they had their butts kicked by a class act.

Obama didn’t run play in the gutter with the Republicans. He distanced himself from the morally bankrupt style of government that is so prevalent in the US and offered something the American people haven’t had in a long, long time: hope and optimism. I think Americans are fatigued and just want their lives back. They are tired of living under a shadow of terror and a government unwilling or incapable of standing before them and saying “we will not live cowering in fear at every shadow that crosses before us”.

Optimism – wonderful creation. Let’s hope the new Camelot can live up to expectations.
But back on the Palin front – oh you just knew I couldn’t leave this topic alone! Dear Gov Palin is upset at her Critic:

…cruel and it’s mean-spirited, it’s immature, it’s unprofessional, and those guys are jerks.

Kind of hurts when you’re the target of a witch hunt, doesn’t it Governor. Now that the campaign has been relegated to the history books, the Repulican infighting has become very public. The McCain camp is furious with her behaviour and ill preparedness for the job and she in turn is … well …. name calling. Does this surprise anyone? If it does, then you must have slept through the last 2 months.

The McCain camp picked this person! Did no one think of checking her credentials? Did no one bother asking, “By the way Governor, you do realise there is a world beyond the Alaskan borders”?

But I find it quite telling that Palin is upset by personal attacks on her. Gee! They hurt don’t they! Guess because they are aimed at her now, this is unacceptable, but it was okay to indulge in a vicious smear campaign that whipped up violent fear in the masses. S’alright it was all for a greater good wasn’t it? All to get you one step closer to the top job.

Governor Palin displayed a recklessness that was stunning. Her demagoguery was terrifying. She thought nothing of exploiting the extreme fears of a weary people. She never hesitated to twist facts and spin half-truths and mistruths. She appeared to have no clue what her job would entail. Her lack of lack of knowledge on a wide range of issues was breathtaking. As someone who lives next door to the US, I for one am glad to see the back of her.

PS. Stinkers? Seriously, you called someone a stinker? Oh heavens, we’ve just leapt back into grade school! Stinkers? Thank you Governor Palin for one last giggle before you go.

I am unhappy
It snowed in the night
I will hibernate

signs of winter
catpaw will hide under the covers
spring come back

BUGGER… it’s cold and it isn’t even Halloween! I’m going to crawl back under the covers and hibernate until one of the following happens:

1. Spring returns
2. There is world peace
3. The world makes sense
4. Someone can justify the Republicans’ believe Palin is still a good pick

Guess I’ll see you in spring, not a hope in hell 2,3 or 4 is gonna happen

Interesting article passed by me this morning. It was written by CC Goldwater, the granddaughter of Barry Goldwater. The Goldwaters are long-time conservatives and hardcore Republicans.

Barry Goldwater was the 5 term Senator from Arizona and candidate for the presidency who died in 1998. He can be described as the original maverick in some ways – the maverick both McCain and Palin are claiming to be. They should read up a bit on Goldwater and understand what a maverick really is. You never had to interpret what Goldwater said and I suppose that is why he got into so much trouble. I didn’t agree with his beliefs on a number of issues; however, I respected his integrity and belief in the US Constitution. He is still seen as the epitome of Republican conservatism and strong libertarian.

Love him or hate him, he acted according to his conscience. He desegregated his own department stores and helped desegregate his home town’s schools and restaurants before it was an issue in the Federal government. When he went first took office as Senator, he took a black woman with him to be his assistant. Yet, this same man voted down the 1964 Civil Rights Act because he believed it was unconstitutional. His views on how to fight the Vietnam War are still shocking to me – he advocated using nuclear weapons and was a strong opponent of Communism. A man of his times when it came to fighting the Red Tide – the same red threat McCain-Palin ticket are desperately resurrecting by the way in their use of Anti-American rhetoric.

Goldwater didn’t like the neo-Conservatives that were running Washington by the end of his life. He said in a 1994 interview with the LA Times

A lot of so-called conservatives today don’t know what the word means, … They think I’ve turned liberal because I believe a woman has a right to an abortion. That’s a decision that’s up to the pregnant woman, not up to the pope or some do-gooders or the religious right. It’s not a conservative issue at all.

In a side note, his wife was involved in setting up Planned Parenthood in the 1930′s, that same group so vilified by the current conservative crop. There were certain things the government had no right in interfering in, and to his dieing days, he spoke out about it. What did he really believe about abortion? Who knows, this was a private issue to him.

This deeply conservative man so believed in the rights of the individuals, he fought to allow gays to serve in the US military and he also fought for a Federal bill that would end the discrimination of gays: “You don’t have to agree with it, but they have a constitutional right to be gay. And that’s what brings me into it”. How does this square with Sarah Palin’s admission she would love to have a Constitutional amendment on gay marriages and her ties with the Family Research Council who state on their own website they believe “that homosexual conduct is harmful to the persons who engage in it and to society at large, and can never be affirmed.” Sarah Palin is no maverick and she would gleefully trample on the rights of others in order to push through her own narrow agenda. Rights? They are what she will determine them to be.

Now where does this take us in terms of the current election? CC Goldwater, on behalf of the Goldwater family issued a press release this week: Why McCain Has Lost Our Vote. It is a stinging rebuke of the McCain-Palin ticket, coming from McCain’s own state:

There always have been a glimmer of hope that someday, someone would “race through the gate” full steam in Goldwater style. Unfortunately, this hasn’t happened, and the Republican brand has been tarnished in a shameless effort to gain votes and appeal to the lowest emotion, fear. Nothing about McCain, except for maybe a uniform, compares to the same ideology of what Goldwater stood for as a politician. The McCain/Palin plan is to appear diverse and inclusive, using women and minorities to push an agenda that makes us all financially vulnerable, fearful, and less safe….

After the last eight years, there’s a lot of clean up do. Roll up your sleeves, Senators Obama and Biden, and we Goldwaters will roll ours up with you.

I said in a previous post that I don’t trust polls. Let’s hope they are right and McCain-Palin get the thumping in the polls they so rightfully deserve. Any candidate that stirs up the mob mentality to win an election is capable of anything and we should be very concerned. Mobs are the antithesis of democracy and the Republicans should take their leaders to task for indulging in this dangerous tactic.