Seriously, I am. I just got a letter from Barclays Bank stating I may/or may not be related to someone who died in an air crash. I’m in stiches over this letter. It beggars belief that anyone will fall for this, but inevitably someone will. Not only is it ludicrously ungrammatical, it is just plain silly. Let’s take a look at my new found wealth notification. All my comments are in italics.
From the desk of: Mr. Thomas David Malcolm
Barclay s Bank of London.
ohhh … Mr Malcolm needs to learn how to spell the name of the company he works for. Either that or his secretary needs a remedial lesson in typing.
1 Churchill Place,
what city? Please at least tell me where. Oh and by the way, Barclays is at 2 Churchill Pl
E14 5HP
United Kingdom
Attention!!
What no Dear Catpaw? Dear potential multi-millionaire? Just Attention? How gauche!
A customer of ours who may relate to you (perhaps) died three years ago in Greek air crash near Athens after an apparent drop in cabin, leaving behind an estate/capital of (US$42.9M) with interest) in a bank here where I work, till date nobody has come forward or put application for the claim.
Oh dear god, where do I start? May relate to me? I guess we can relate to one another. And perhaps died 3 years ago? Well did he or didn’t he? What the hell do you mean by a drop in cabin, leaving behind an estate? I can’t even go further with this. It is so wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong. This paragraph simply cannot be corrected. It’s best to just put it down and start over with a new scam.
Please log on to this websites for more information about the air crash.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/4150312.stm
Well I’ll be damned, it really does link to an actual crash.
Our investigation of the said account reveals that the death occurred three years ago the exact time the account was last operated.
Hmmm the death occurred at the exact same time the account was last accessed. Neat trick when you consider my mythical relative died IN AN AIR CRASH. I don’t think there were any Barclays bank branches on the airplane. Maybe my relative could teleport. No wait, if he/she could then why didn’t they teleport off the airplane before it crashed.
I can confirm with certainty that the said investor died interstate
Interstate? I almost snorted my tea through my nose over this one. Interstate? If you are going to try and defraud me, then at least get the terminology correct. Put some damned effort into cheating me. Jeez, work for your money.
and NO next–of–kin to his estate has been found or has come forward all these years. We are convinced that using our insider leverage, we working with you can secure the funds in the account for us instead of allowing it pass as unclaimed funds into the coffers of the Government of United Kingdom, This is especially possible as you bear the same LAST NAME to the said investor/decease.
I hate to say this, but I’d rather the money was turned over to the government, perhaps they can invest some of it in remedial grammar courses.
We urge you to come forward since we can provide you with the details needed for you to claim the estate/capital so that we can be gratify by you, ohhhhhh…. this actually sounds a bit kinky. We can gratify each other. I’m all a twitter.
in this way $12,870,000.00 for you and $25,740,000.00 for me and my colleagues
Now wait just one minute! It’s my money and you want double the share? If I’m the legit heir, then why in hell do you get the lion’s share? Greedy sod! Don’t you mean I get the 25 mill? and you get …. wait again… 12 mill for writing an illiterate letter? Don’t think so bubby!
and the remaining $4.290,000.00 for miscellaneous expenses
Holy Crap Batman! 4 mill in expenses? You sure aren’t spending the money on grammar lessons or basic literacy.
incurred during the cost of this project though my colleagues and I will do all the crucial part in the bank to have the claim release to you promptly.
Screw you Thomas and all your greedy, illiterate colleagues – now that I know I’m an heir why should I contact you again? I’ll have my lawyer contact your bank. But as a token of good will I’ll have a copy of William Strunk Jr.’s book The Elements of Style hand delivered to each and everyone of you greedy bastards.
To affirm your willingness and cooperation please do so by replying me at my private email (davidmalcolm@mail2world.com) stating your FULL NAME, DATE OF BIRTH, TELEPHONE NUMBER, and FAX NUMBER, PRIVATE EMAIL ADDRESS AND POSTAL ADDRESS.
Hee hee, you bet I’ll send you this info. Right after I go in for my full frontal lobotamy.
I do expect you prompt response.
Oh for the love of all things holy, TAKE SOME ENGLISH LESSONS. Again if you really want to cheat me put a bit of effort into it. Make me believe you possess a modicum of intelligence. Make me believe you actually possess the where-with-all to pull this stunt off. Right now you have zero credibility.
Thank you,
Mr. Thomas David Malcolm
davidmalcolm@mail2world.com
No – thank you Mr Malcolm for the funniest letter I’ve read in a long time.
Stumble it!
1 response so far ↓
1
Roufa Tav Gosou & Mimi Lass
// Jun 17, 2008 at 11:45 am
Was it hand-written on scratch paper?
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