Catpaw - diary of an angry cat

I’ll be able to laugh at all the saggy, baggy tattooed and pierced seniors for a long, long time. Guess why? Coffee is good for me:

Drinking copious amounts of coffee is not harmful to your health, … protect you from heart disease, new research suggests. [http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2008/06/16/coffee-habitsstudy.html?ref=rss]

Guess I’ll just double my morning latte. Hey what the hell make it a triple - before a new study comes out and says coffee will make my fur drop off. I’m not sure, but not long ago didn’t research try to link coffee to cancer risks?

Know what the real problem is? Not the research, but the donut heads that take each and every study as a new gospel and push it to the extreme. This is a preliminary study but it will be seen as definitive and new diets will crop up everywhere.

That being said, allow me to take the reigns of the band wagon and help steer you over the nearest cliff. Try the Catpaw Caffeine Overdrive Weight-loss and Long Life Diet. Here’s my remedy for all your woes:

Start the day with 1 Tim Horton’s extra large coffee - double double for breakfast. Hmm hmmm good. Let’s start the caffeine jitters now. Tim Horton’s coffee always gives me a bad case of the jitters for some reason. Never touch the stuff personally because of that - and I have a high coffee tolerance. Go figure.

Finished the coffee? Then slide on down the street - must get your exercise in - down to Starbucks for a triple Venti latte. You might need a bit of something to coat your stomach so while sipping your venti latte hop on down to the bagel store and get a little something there. While waiting in line for your bagel (don’t forget the extra dolup of cream cheese, oh and butter that bagel too!) order another quick cup of their bitter brew. Best ask them if it’s been sitting on the burner for an hour or more - tastes great that way.

Remember - no tea substitutes. Drop into the local mattress store and order a dozen extra thick mattresses.

Time for more exercise - off home double quick. You should be able to hit at least 3 more coffee shops on the way home. Don’t be a wimp. By now the caffeine will be coursing through your veins so you’ll be home in no time at all. Dig out the coffee pot and make a BIG pot of coffee. Pour another mug, extra large and go out onto the balcony (or back yard) and eat your bagel while sipping more coffee. I’m suggesting you do this outdoors, because by now you’ll have such a massive case of the caffeine shakes you’ll need the space to run up off some of it.

OH LOOK IT’S LUNCH TIME! Guess what? More coffee. That’s right. By now the coffee you made earlier will be cool. Plunk a couple of ice cubes into it and voila iced coffee. Yummy. Who needs food? You won’t be able to settle long enough to chew food by now anyway. If you really feel the need for something then throw a bit of coffee ice cream into your glass. Make another pot of coffee and fill a thermos up.

Let’s put those sneakers on. Exercise time. Gotta move. Keep going until the thermos is empty, you feel your jitters settle down or you have to pee.

Snack time! Oh YEA! Where to go? Where to go? By this time you should have walked to a different town so you might have to ask around for a coffee shop. Someone will know where a good one is. In the meantime, stop at any gas station and purchase a quick cup of the local sludge. Yum. Drink it down double quick. That will keep you going until you find a quality coffee shop. When you find one - order a sandwich (must keep up your nutrition) and a 3 extra large, double coffee to go. Oh and fill your thermos as well. Now go find the bus station and buy a ticket and go home. Make sure the bus has a toilet.

By the time you get home, you’ll be ready to crash. Don’t give in to temptation - ignore those heart palpitations. Only the weak will take them seriously, go top up that coffee level. Doesn’t matter where, by this time you won’t be able to taste anything anyway. If you want, make pot at home instead of going out. Forget the mug just suck it straight from the pot. Go eat the stuffing in the couch and wash it down with more coffee. You will be so irrational by this point in time it won’t matter what the hell you eat.

Remember those mattresses you ordered earlier in the day? Unbox them (lord knows you’ll have enough energy to do this on your own) and fling them around the walls of your bedroom. You are going to need them. Not only is bouncing off the walls hard on the body, it’s noisy. You’ll need the mattresses to muffle the sound as you ping off the walls all night. Lock yourself in the room and start bouncing. Have fun! By morning you will be so exhausted you’ll need a large cup of coffee just to kick start your system.

Oh did I say long life? I doubt you will live longer, one day on this diet will just seem so terribly long.

Stumble it!