Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

I ask myself that question periodically. Just how has the human species survived? Intelligence is not a requirement for being a human. Consider the following:

Would you eat an iguana? No seriously, would you catch an iguana, roast it, serve it to your friends (keep in mind it’s a protected species in the Bahamas where this took place and therefore AGAINST THE LAW TO KILL) and then post the photos for the world to see on your Facebook page? The world means law enforcement agencies who now have their knickers in a twist over the incident. Yes, a couple from the US are in trouble for doing this. Vanessa Starr Palm, 23, of Illinois and Alexander Daniel Rust, 24, of Indiana were arrested this month for their impressive lack of compassion to little critters and inability to hide their crime. Gotta love Facebook!

February has been a bumper month for bizarre behaviour. The same week that saw our loveable pair of iguana nibblers arrested, saw a man nabbed for stuffing pigeons in his pants so he could smuggle them into Australia. The 23 year old had tucked padded envelopes around the poor pigeons and slipped on a pair of tights to keep them in place in a pathetic attempt at pigeon smuggling. Now a couple of thoughts come to mind. First why, oh, why smuggle pigeons? We call them winged rats around here. Pesky dirty things. Second, what sane man would put any creature with a sharp beak in his pants? Is this a case of a pending Darwin award in action? How did he keep them quiet during the long flight from Dubai to Australia?

Remember the notorious video of a young man teasing a salt water croc that made the rounds about a year ago? The 27 year old tourist was teasing a 16 foot salt water croc (a species not known for their genial disposition) because he thought it would look better on film. The croc rocketed towards the man and launched itself at him, narrowly missing out on getting a man-kabob for lunch. The tourist was later quoted as saying ” I didn’t realise that crocs were so aggressive”.  What? He thought crocodiles were cute and cuddly? Hint to humans, before teasing the wildlife, make sure your life insurance is fully paid up. I wonder what he’s doing this year? Poking a tiger in the eye and wondering why it bit his arm off?

My current favourite story doesn’t really deal with stupid human antics, but a rather riled squirrel. Don’t mess with those little guys, even if you are 6ft 4inch former army sergeant who survived a tour in Iraq and a closecall with a roadside bomb. Former sergeant Frank Garren took on an irrate squirrel during a walk in a park last fall and lost the battle. Evidently Garren was doing some squirrel calls in an attempt to impress his girlfriend and inadvertently insulted the squirrel’s parentage. Next think he knew, he was wrestling with about 2 pounds of squirrel fury as the little beast launched itself at his head. No one told him he needed his combat helmet for a walk in the nearby park. Neither the squirrel nor Mr Garren were seriously hurt, but the squirrel must still be making the rounds in the pubs telling his brave story. Garren is quoted as saying: “I never thought a squirrel could kick my (behind).” That’ll teach the Army!

Okay, I can’t help myself. I wish people would read their questions before they hit the submit button. But then, if they did that all my fun would disappear. Here’s the 2009 list of my favourite WikiAnswers Questions and the answers I wish I could post.

Shakespeare was apart of a writing group named what?
It’s so hard being apart from the one’s you love.

What instruments are used in breath slow?
That would be the left lung and the right lung. They are pretty handy at breathing fast too!!

What do you have to do to get a class B felony?
This question worries me on so many levels.

What did Angela Davis do to impact your life?
I hereby ban the use of the word IMPACT unless it pertains to things smacking against other things or being crushed. And if any teacher gave you this question as part of your homework, trot it right back to him/her and demand they rewrite it so it actually makes sense. How about Has Angela Davis’ political activity affected you? What effect has Angela Davis had on American Civil rights?

How many people impacted by the First World War?
There’s that misused word again! Please note, the correct word is affected, not impacted. If your teacher gave you this as a question, again trot back with this answer:
Impacted
• adjective 1 (of a tooth) wedged between another tooth and the jaw. 2 (of a fractured bone) having the parts crushed together.
Oxford Consise Dictionary.

How many two thirds before its a cup?
Not sure if I should be dealing with this as a math question or a grammar question.

Why did Pliny order a ship?
Well, Pliny actually wanted the Batman action figures for Christmas, but Sears was all sold out so he decided to order the fully automated Roman Trireme Battleship for his son, little Pliny the Younger.

What has bone Octopus coral snake snail?
If anyone writes in and tells me there really is such a thing as a bone Octopus coral snake snail – anywhere in the world – I’ll stop writing in this blog right now.

Does big foot have a wife?
Of course he does! Where do you thing little Sasquatches come from? Mr and Mrs Big Foot lives down the lane, right next to the Abominable Snowman and his wife Mrs. Abominable.

What is the name of Bill Cosby’s siblings?
Oh GRAMMAR! What has become of you.

Is a snake a primary consumer a secondary consumer or tertiary consumer?
Well, until the recent credit crunch, snakes were definitely primary consumers. They racked up huge bills purchasing rodents on-line. Now that their credit cards have been taken away they are definitely third level consumers.

Why does God meted disproportionate punishment of death for breaking the Sabbath disobedient children pissing against the wall disobedient child not being a virgin on wedding night witches etc?
ATTENTION! PUT THE BIBLE DOWN NOW!!! It is time to go out and get some fresh air.

What are the predators of the oyster?
Bob’s Oyster Palace is the biggest predator I know of.

How many tourists go there every year?
Hmmm…. maybe you might want to specify a location.

Where does the earth get it’s energy?
Sports drinks, Jolt cola.

How do you become a singer right away?
Open your mouth and SING. Oh.. you mean how do you become a famous singer right away? You don’t.

What do dingos do in a day?
Sit around home playing poker.

What you should do on the sun?
Before you go slather on a lot of sun block, that way you roast a wee bit slower.

What were Napoleon Bonaparte’s interests?
World domination.

If you are not married but file married on your taxes would you have to get divorced if you split up?
No, but the tax man will want to have a little chat with you.

How does a loin adapted to survive in its habitat?
I could answer this question, but then my blog would get slapped with an R rating.

What are condemns?
When I stop giggling I’ll answer this one. (I found it under the categories New Testament and Action & Adventure Movies)

What is Beef BBQ made of?
I’ll hazard a guess and say oh… beef? and um… bbq sauce? (Found in category Word Phrases and Origins)

Why were humans put on earth?
I ask myself this question many times throughout the day – especially when I’m stuck during rush hour trying to get onto an over crowded subway car.

When writing the name of a magazine?
Yeessss? And you want an answer to this?

How many jobs were lost in 2009?
Let me look in my crystal ball. Better yet, ask when the year is over.

If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half how long does it take one hen to lay one egg?
Sorry I can’t get past the image of half a hen. Are we talking the top half of a hen or the bottom half.

What was Walt Disney’s last name?
Smith

Map the Rio Grande:
The entire river? Before lunch? And I thought homework was tough when I was a kid.

Does girls balance the most or the boys is that investigating?
I’m not even sure where to start with this.

Can you grow pot in a fish tank?
Yes, but your fish will become addicted.

Who was living in Spain when the explorers arrived?
Spaniards.

Will Kai Wong live forever?
Just stop and think about what you wrote for a minute. Seriously, think about it. Do you really need an answer?

Paper over why the US did not join the league of nations?
You know, if you are going to cheat on your homework, put a bit of effort and creativity into it. Questions like this make me want to post a long elegant answer that is all wrong. That’d learn the little beggars!

How do you cure your back bone?
Pray tell me, just why does your back bone need curing?

Is the Great White shark popular in the food chain?
They aren’t popular with the fish they eat.

That should keep you giggling for awhile.

I hate the cold… I also hate head colds. I’m suffering from both and well, I’m just pathetic and miserable at the moment. To fill in time while I’m waiting for both colds to break, I’ve been scooting about the internet looking for suitable tales of terror to rant about. Oh what fertile ground the world can be!

Let’s start with my e-mail. Here’s a part of a letter I received today:

Tired of Hearing:       

: What’s Your Degree in?
: Where did you go to school?
: No Degree, No Job!
: You don’t Qualify for it!
: With a degree we could offer you a higher salary & etc …    

Now you can finally have the Degree You deserve based on your “Life Experience”
No Examination, No Books, No Study      

Prestigious Non-accreedited Degrees
“No one is Turned Down”

Hmmm…. evidently spelling isn’t a required “Life Experience”…. I really enjoyed this email. I worked pretty hard for my  BA(hons) and now … gee.. I could have saved myself the effort and just mailed away for one. No work necessary, no exams, no books, no study. This isn’t a degree folks, this is a useless piece of paper that says “I’m a useless wanker who is too lazy and dishonest to legitimately work for the honour of receiving a degree.” There was a recent newspaper article here in Toronto that exposed a number of people in Ontario who had purchased their degrees. One person even said they didn’t realise it was wrong! WHAT?!! You must be joking… seriously… you thought you could chuck a couple of bucks in the mail and get a degree that is supposed to be equal to the one I spent 4 years getting but without the work or gaining the knowledge that accompanied the effort or the integrity behind doing the work? Get out of here! It says it is NON-accredited which means it is NOT LEGITIMATE… sheesh..

Octomom is too easy a target, I think I’ll leave this pathetic excuse of a human alone. My blood just boils when I think the entire situation. What the hell was her doctor thinking.. oh wait I know – $$$ and damn the consequences. Is the entire sad tale getting creepier by the moment to you as well? When I saw a photo of this person, I thought to myself, she wants to be Angelina Jolie – and don’t get me started on that sad situation. What is it with these people that want to collect children. Whatever happened to old fashioned hobbies like stamp collecting, or coin collecting? Children are not accessories.

Our neighbourhood looks like dog sh*t Hell. Note to dog owners, snow and cold do not make dog poo vanish. It’s still there. And to the person who is letting his large dog poo in the middle of the sidewalk here at my building – I’m hunting for you. And when I find you it’s not going to be nice. And I will find you!

Soccer season here in Toronto will start soon… OH OH OH… I really can’t wait. Seriously – I just can’t wait. It means spring, good entertainment and ohhhh… I want to go to the first game.

Did you know there are 150 items available on Itunes that contain the word fart, including an astonishing number of ringtones, 7 games and 3 utilities. Did I say I have a bad head cold? What else do you do when you feel under the weather, but look up rude things on the Internet.

I’ve filled my MP3 player with the songs I like to hear! I found 33 songs I like to listen too! WHOO HOO! Now what am I going to do with the other 6.7 gigs worth of space.

Did you know there was an Idiot’s Guide to the End of Days and another one for the Apocalypse? Want to know how the books end? Everyone dies.

Sometimes you can’t help but overhear a conversation that has you in stitches. Years ago I was eavesdropping on one such conversation between 2 teens, in a restaurant. It was obvious this was the young man’s very first serious date and he was desperately trying to impress the girl. He was wearing a tie that looked like it belonged to his dad and he kept fussing with it; his jacket was a bit over sized. He was trying to do all the right things, holding out her chair, entertain her with chat, order something nice to drink etc. Their conversation was rather funny – he was telling her all about how camouflage works, except he kept pronouncing the word camelflage. Don’t know if the girl realised the slight mispronunciation, but if she did she wasn’t letting on. Whenever I get too cynical about humans, I think as long as there are young boys willing to get clean and tidy for girls and take them out and young girls who are enthralled about a conversation concerning camelflage, well then the world will be okay after all.

If you are feeling all warm and fuzzy now, I have the perfect antidote: the British government has backed down on it’s pledge to prevent the banks from dishing out HUGE bonuses to their inept, corrupt and incompetent staff that helped create this huge economic fiasco. They will continue to be rewarded for malfeasance and incompetence. I thought bonuses were given for performing your job well, not flushing the economy down the well. Silly me. But hey, on the upside, at least we know who’s purchasing all those Internet degrees.

Speaking of the economy, nice to know all those de rigour business ethics classes were so effective.

On that happy note, my head cold and I are going back to bed.

I kind of wrote myself dry before the holidays. I kept looking at the blog during January and discovered I didn’t have a single thing to contribute.

How odd was that?  Part of it was the unrelenting cold and snow. I was sitting at my computer about 4 weeks ago and looked out the window. It was snowing and I thought, I’m going to go to bed and not come out until spring. I actually went back to bed that day. No, I haven’t been there everyday since. Mentally maybe, but not physically. The weather finally broke, and it feels downright spring-like. I know it won’t last, but once you get that whiff of warmer weather, hope returns.

Now don’t worry about me getting overly optimistic, or anything so foolish. I have a tick list of things that have been annoying the living hell out of me and will write about them in due course. The list?

• The damned Charmine Bears – redux
• The unmitigated greed that has driven the economy into the ground
• Short term memories about past economic fiascos
• Migraines
• The F&*cking dogs that bark ALL THE ^&%ing time down the hall and upstairs
• Irresponsible dog owners that don’t stoop and scoop after their precious bowser drops a large one on the sidewalk. What? You think it vanishes just because there is snow on the ground?
• One woman’s contribution to gross overpopulation
• Stupid criminals
• More mutterings and mumblings on the economy – hey it’s an easy target

… and many more thoughts that I’m just too lazy to write down. Oh so many annoyances, so little time to rant.

Right now I’m going to go and hide somewhere. The fine folks that own my apartment building are repairing the plumbing yet again. Not sure why but that always means drills, jackhammers (or a reasonable facsimile of one), banging and thumping. After 5 hours I’m now in desperate need of peace and quiet. Add on top of the noise, the usual barking from 2 sets of dogs. On the upside, the jackhammering that took place between 2am and 5am everyday (including Saturday) leading up to Christmas (across the road) has stopped until March. Sweet blissful silence at night. AND the drilling, hammering etc on our building to repair a major crack in the outer wall was completed before Christmas. That means 2 things, no more jackhammers against our wall and NO FLOODING this spring. Yuppers, we had flooding here on the 20th floor. Not a pretty site.

Well, that’s all for today. Be back in a day or two.