Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

What to have a giggle? Find an episode of Lawrence Welk on TV, turn the sound off and watch the fun. We have a great time Saturday nights while waiting for the British comedies to come on. I never realised ole Lawrence was colour blind… that’s the only explanation possible for the incredible colour combination – leisure suits and crinoline in purples and oranges, greens and red oh the horror, the horror. It’s a designer’s nightmare…oh lordie they are in a salmony orange suits against yellow curtains and a purple wall. As I said “MY EYES”..owow that stirs up the migraines. Good God the guest conductor is in a brick red suit. Ouc…thunk…I think I passed out because of sensory overload.

When you turn the sound off you begin to see how, er, how will I put this without sounding cruel? Oh WTF, it’s impossible, how truly ungraceful and uncoordinated some of the dancers were. The Lawrence Welk Show – masters of mediocrity.

And just when you think it can’t get any worse… get a load of this lovely video clip from 1971 featuring 2 of Welk’s performers singing One Toke Over the Line. You read that right… It’s worth hanging in to the very end to hear Lawrence say “And there you heard a modern spiritual by Gale and Dale”. It was spiritual to some folks Lawrence, but not the kind you were thinking of.

Don’t you wish you could have seen Lawrence’s face when someone whispered in his shell like ear that the men who wrote the tune had just been condemned by then Vice President Spiro Agnew, as a subversive threat to American youth. And don’t you wish you were a fly on the wall when someone got the courage up to tell him what the song really meant? “What do you mean it’s not a gospel song? It has the words Sweet Jesus and Mary in it… it has to be a gospel song”.

Do you think someone was looking for a new job after this?

Help, help … my arm won’t stop growing….

Gap picture

This is from the current Gap Clothing web site…. Dunno about you but she doesn’t look like she’s leaning to one side … so unless the woman is a hunchback, this photo has been over photoshopped. Then again there is the possibility her left arm really does reach down to her kneecap.  Strange thing is the other pictures all show her arms the same length. Just what was going on in the little pea brain of the photoshop criminal?

And here I laboured under the delusion the company hired professional graphic artists. Silly cat.

Ah… yes… it’s bird time again. I think I have a fine obsession going here, with all my little bird drawings. I’ve done a couple of sketches in the past week, most of them pretty sad looking. My little Prothonotary Warbler came out looking pretty good though.

From Catpaw’s Art work – birds

He was just having a bath, hence his fluffy feathers. I had to guess how his tail feathers looked because the photo I was using didn’t show them. So, if any bird watchers are looking, sorry if I got them wrong. His beak is a bit too long but his wings came out really quite well. I’m pleased with him. I experimented with some new pencil strokes in an effort to show more detailed feathering and a more realistic twig. I spent nearly 3 hours to get him right… time well spent.

You know… the picture I posted yesterday? The one of Vampirella on the Beach? It scares the sh*t out of me. Every time I logged on today and it popped up, I jumped. Holy Crap Batman, what were they thinking to create such a truly horrible picture? And who were they kidding – sex on the beach? Nah uh… this creature is more apt to eat her mate after a romp in the hay. I can’t get the image out of my head now – it burns!! Please make the horrible picture go away.

As an antidote, I present another edition of Catpaw’s You Ask the Question and I Supply the Smart Ass Answer. For those that are unfamiliar with this, let me explain. I pilfer the questions from another site – WikiAnswers. I then supply an answer I would dearly love to leave but can’t because I’d get my hands slapped and then be bounced off the site. The Wiki folks are funny that way. But some of the questions just BEG for a stupid answer. Some questions are quite innocent, but leave themselves open to interpretation and others are so illiterate, well…it feels like shooting fish in a barrel. This is where I get to abuse the exclamation mark shamelessly.

Let the games begin:

Is new york a blue state?
Yes…yes it is. The prozac dumped into the water supply should help.

In Lord of the Flies chapter 1 what was all over Ralph’s face?
Stop being so bloody lazy and open up the book. This is in the FIRST chapter for god’s sake. I’ll accept laziness once you read up to the 6th chapter, but no sooner!

What is a physical change when burning a log?
Puberty??? ???This is when I also get to abuse question marks ???

What year was the friction invented?
This question is fun on so many levels. I especially like the use of THE friction. I can’t figure out whether this is a science question or a literature question. Do they mean when was theory of friction formulated or what year was fiction as a literary device created?

Who was it that born before his father and died before his mother?
Bwahahahahahahaha…..

How many stages does a water boatman go through as a nymph?
This is a legitimate question, and a good one… unless part of your degree is in English Lit and you don’t read the question correctly. I immediately flashed onto Greek mythology and tales of water nymphs and then proceeded to have a serious break with reality.

Can you still inject expired flu vaccine?
Yes you can. I think the question should be Is it wise to inject expired flu vaccine?

Do aliens have ray guns?
Why yes we do! Would you like a demonstration?

What is an eye brown?
I haven’t the faintest idea on how to answer this.

Who was in the french revolution war?
I’ll hazard a guess and say … oh … um …. the French? (Found in the category American Revolution)

How many cubits high did the water rise?
Can we have the rest of the question?

(This was found in the How to Spell category)
What does Drinking Kocane and PCP do to you?
Well for starters it kills your brain’s ability to differentiate between categories. It also destroys the specific area in the brain that helps you spell.

How much fish in ocean?
Lemme grab a pencil and paper and get back to you. 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish…. damn … that fish has 6 colours …. 6 fish oh wait… hang on …. damn…. 1 fish, 2 fish…

Shakespeare’s day for trick or treating?
Now I’m curious… did little Willy Shakespeare go trick or treating? If he did what was his favourite costume?

What is the first thing you need to by so you can be ready to germinate?
Hee hee… I think you left something out of this question … hee hee… no … really… you did….

What does blue diamond tattoo symbolize?
You are really, really crazy about a certain brand of almonds.

Does a ladybug have a tongue?
Crap! Now you have me wondering! Thanks a lot. As if I didn’t already have an obsessive enough personality…

Is Bolivia north south east or west?
Of what? A little help here.

What is the mayor’s last name?
Smith? Jones? Zwicker? Pick one, I’m sure it will work.

What animal only lives in Pennslyvania?
The rare and hard to spot Pennsylvania groundhog. It lives in burrows and dens along the great, heather covered dunes along the coastline. It is easily identified by it’s spotted striped coat of many colours. (You just know some kid would cut and paste this into their homework and hand it in. Don’t you wish you could see the look on the teacher’s face?)

Write 100 as the sum of two prime numbers in six different ways?
Cheater, cheater, cheater!

There shold be no school uniforms
Is there a question in there?

There that should hold you for awhile…

I was wandering through one of my favourite websites tonight (Photoshop Disasters) and when I saw this picture I couldn’t stop laughing. I think I hurt myself I laughed so hard:

Wish I could take credit for finding this incredible advertising disaster, but I can’t. When I saw it I just had to see the original site. It’s from WFashion magazine’s article called From Here to Eternity. You have to cruise on over, but put your coffee cup down first or you’ll spill the coffee all over your keyboard when you start to laugh. The page reads:

Black, bows and Brigitte Bardot looks: Tailored suits and dresses with more than a soupcon of the early Sixties take on a certain raciness in the incongruous environment of a windswept beach.

Umm…no .. this is less Brigitte Bardot and more angry vampire girl. Do you think they mistook sulky for sultry?

What is with the eye makeup? Kind of Goth gone waterbaby look going there folks.

The dress is “cotton lace with horsehair and silk chiffon”. He he… they should give it back to the horse.

But the crowning touch is the over-photoshopping done to her hands. Take a close look at her fingers. Nothing human has fingers like that. What rational was used to elongate and flatten her fingers like that? What were they smoking?

No, actually, it’s the plus sized bow that completes this collage of silliness. It sets off the exaggerated eye liner and angry sneer! Hmmm… did Brigitte Bardot sneer?