Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

I’m testing a new design today. If things look a bit wonky, it’s not your eyes, it’s the blog. I’m bored with the design and think it’s time to refresh the ole litter box. Won’t take too long, promise.

I’m trying out a new blog design. I’ve been playing around with the nuts and bolts of how blogs etc look in an attempt to create a fresh new look. The design I’m currently using is excellent,  I’m just itching to create my own. So…that means I’m about to inflict some aweful things upon you. Although I have all the software etc on my computer to test, design etc, there really is nothing like loading the site up and test driving it on-site to really understand what the viewer sees. If you happen to log on and some images are missing, or the site has slightly bizarre look, that’s me on the other side of the computer poking around.

The worse of my design excesses will be hidden away from view so don’t worry. I won’t slap up one of those aweful “Under construction” signs and disappear for weeks while I labour over the site.

You know… the picture I posted yesterday? The one of Vampirella on the Beach? It scares the sh*t out of me. Every time I logged on today and it popped up, I jumped. Holy Crap Batman, what were they thinking to create such a truly horrible picture? And who were they kidding – sex on the beach? Nah uh… this creature is more apt to eat her mate after a romp in the hay. I can’t get the image out of my head now – it burns!! Please make the horrible picture go away.

As an antidote, I present another edition of Catpaw’s You Ask the Question and I Supply the Smart Ass Answer. For those that are unfamiliar with this, let me explain. I pilfer the questions from another site – WikiAnswers. I then supply an answer I would dearly love to leave but can’t because I’d get my hands slapped and then be bounced off the site. The Wiki folks are funny that way. But some of the questions just BEG for a stupid answer. Some questions are quite innocent, but leave themselves open to interpretation and others are so illiterate, well…it feels like shooting fish in a barrel. This is where I get to abuse the exclamation mark shamelessly.

Let the games begin:

Is new york a blue state?
Yes…yes it is. The prozac dumped into the water supply should help.

In Lord of the Flies chapter 1 what was all over Ralph’s face?
Stop being so bloody lazy and open up the book. This is in the FIRST chapter for god’s sake. I’ll accept laziness once you read up to the 6th chapter, but no sooner!

What is a physical change when burning a log?
Puberty??? ???This is when I also get to abuse question marks ???

What year was the friction invented?
This question is fun on so many levels. I especially like the use of THE friction. I can’t figure out whether this is a science question or a literature question. Do they mean when was theory of friction formulated or what year was fiction as a literary device created?

Who was it that born before his father and died before his mother?
Bwahahahahahahaha…..

How many stages does a water boatman go through as a nymph?
This is a legitimate question, and a good one… unless part of your degree is in English Lit and you don’t read the question correctly. I immediately flashed onto Greek mythology and tales of water nymphs and then proceeded to have a serious break with reality.

Can you still inject expired flu vaccine?
Yes you can. I think the question should be Is it wise to inject expired flu vaccine?

Do aliens have ray guns?
Why yes we do! Would you like a demonstration?

What is an eye brown?
I haven’t the faintest idea on how to answer this.

Who was in the french revolution war?
I’ll hazard a guess and say … oh … um …. the French? (Found in the category American Revolution)

How many cubits high did the water rise?
Can we have the rest of the question?

(This was found in the How to Spell category)
What does Drinking Kocane and PCP do to you?
Well for starters it kills your brain’s ability to differentiate between categories. It also destroys the specific area in the brain that helps you spell.

How much fish in ocean?
Lemme grab a pencil and paper and get back to you. 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish…. damn … that fish has 6 colours …. 6 fish oh wait… hang on …. damn…. 1 fish, 2 fish…

Shakespeare’s day for trick or treating?
Now I’m curious… did little Willy Shakespeare go trick or treating? If he did what was his favourite costume?

What is the first thing you need to by so you can be ready to germinate?
Hee hee… I think you left something out of this question … hee hee… no … really… you did….

What does blue diamond tattoo symbolize?
You are really, really crazy about a certain brand of almonds.

Does a ladybug have a tongue?
Crap! Now you have me wondering! Thanks a lot. As if I didn’t already have an obsessive enough personality…

Is Bolivia north south east or west?
Of what? A little help here.

What is the mayor’s last name?
Smith? Jones? Zwicker? Pick one, I’m sure it will work.

What animal only lives in Pennslyvania?
The rare and hard to spot Pennsylvania groundhog. It lives in burrows and dens along the great, heather covered dunes along the coastline. It is easily identified by it’s spotted striped coat of many colours. (You just know some kid would cut and paste this into their homework and hand it in. Don’t you wish you could see the look on the teacher’s face?)

Write 100 as the sum of two prime numbers in six different ways?
Cheater, cheater, cheater!

There shold be no school uniforms
Is there a question in there?

There that should hold you for awhile…

Brad Pitt recently talked to German magazine Stern about his historically laugable film Basterds:

World War II could still deliver more stories and films, but I believe that Quentin Tarantino put a cover on that pot.  With ‘Basterds‘, everything that can be said to this genre has been said.  The film destroys every symbol.  The work is done, end of story..

Okay… well… um … I guess that’s that. Everyone.. listen up – the mighty Tarantino, splatter meister extraordinaire, has issued the definitive movie … so … um … I guess you can all give up trying to film anything… especially anything that might, just might have a hint of reality to it… or ..  heaven forbid … the truth … don’t waste your time because there is nothing more to be said. Brad said it, so it must be true.

… I’ll file this under ego-filled bullshit.

I’ve been having so much fun with the UK political scandals that I put my observations on a host of other stunningly silly moments on the back burner. Time to trot them out.

I don’t watch beauty pageants or fashion shows – I can hear you all saying “REALLY?” But the yes, the truth is, I don’t watch them. I have a low nausea threshold and the thought of watching these cattle calls pushes me over the edge.

HOWEVER… the Miss California (of the Miss USA Pageant) was a god send. If you don’t read the same scurrilous rags I do, you may not be aware that she was under fire for her comments on gay marriage. She came out and said she doesn’t think they should happen. Okay, fine. That’s her opinion. I can ignore that. But she just couldn’t leave it at that. She had to firmly put her foot into it with the following statement on who shw thought was behind the question:

mmmn    Honestly, I felt as though Satan was — and I don’t want to say that this person represented Satan, but — I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, ‘Carrie, do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me. You need to share with all these people. If there were 95 percent of the people in the audience that were gay, you need to witness to them, and you need to show that you’re not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA.

There you have it folks. Further proof  God has nothing better to do in the world than meddle in Beauty Queen contests. War, genocide, famine, drought – not as important as making sure a contestant in the Miss USA pageant stays on the path of  right wing nonsense.

I’m curious as to why so many people thing God has nothing better to do than make sure they win football games, beauty pageants and such. What this says to me is the losing side must be in league with Satan, I mean after all why didn’t God help them win? Seriously, when you are cooling your heels at the bus stop or stuck in traffic, mull this over in your mind. I’m sure you will have a Road to Damascus moment over this stunning revelation. Then again maybe not….

I have received this email a number of times:

WHAT A GREAT IDEA!

We provide a concept that will allow anyone with sufficient work experience to obtain a fully verifiable University Degree.

Bachelors, Masters or even a Doctorate.

For US: 1.845.709.8044
Outside US: +1.845.709.8044

“Just leave your NAME & PHONE NO. (with CountryCode)” in the voicemail.

Our staff will get back to you in next few days!

Oh yea… I’m definitely responding to this spam by giving you my name and phone number. I’ll certainly leave it on some anonymous voicemail system so you can verify this is a legitimate email address. Hmmm… and to give you my name and phone number – come on down all you phone spammers!

I’ll do that right after I get the words “too stupid too live” tattooed on my forhead.