Catpaw – diary of an angry cat

I have been thinking a lot this month. No, no.. don’t scurry away! You have nothing to fear, I think. You see, I want a scooter. Not just any scooter, but a beautiful Vespa. Since the first time I saw one in a film in the 1980′s I’ve coveted the Vespa. Well, I’ve hatched a cunning plan to get one. I’m going to start my own religion and fleece receive donations from my flock. It’s brilliant, isn’t it? I’ll take donations via paypal and sock the money away until I have enough for my lovely, lovely Vespa.

I’ve been pondering what the new faith will be called. I’m thinking of Church of the Holy Vespa. Rather a nice ring to it, eh? With each donation you will get a photo of a Vespa, with a baddly scribbled drawing of a cat riding it. If you are the first 100 faithful, then I’ll bestow upon you the title of “Vespa Supplicant”, which allows you the privilege of purchasing your own robes, in tasteful red or green, and wander the land begging for more alms for the Holy Vespa. My scooter will be our holy grail of sorts.

What do you think? … hmmm wonder if i can tax exempt status for this.

I’ve been having so much fun with the UK political scandals that I put my observations on a host of other stunningly silly moments on the back burner. Time to trot them out.

I don’t watch beauty pageants or fashion shows – I can hear you all saying “REALLY?” But the yes, the truth is, I don’t watch them. I have a low nausea threshold and the thought of watching these cattle calls pushes me over the edge.

HOWEVER… the Miss California (of the Miss USA Pageant) was a god send. If you don’t read the same scurrilous rags I do, you may not be aware that she was under fire for her comments on gay marriage. She came out and said she doesn’t think they should happen. Okay, fine. That’s her opinion. I can ignore that. But she just couldn’t leave it at that. She had to firmly put her foot into it with the following statement on who shw thought was behind the question:

mmmn    Honestly, I felt as though Satan was — and I don’t want to say that this person represented Satan, but — I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me in asking me this question. And then God was in my head and in my heart saying, ‘Carrie, do not compromise this. You need to stand up for me. You need to share with all these people. If there were 95 percent of the people in the audience that were gay, you need to witness to them, and you need to show that you’re not willing to compromise that for this title of Miss USA.

There you have it folks. Further proof  God has nothing better to do in the world than meddle in Beauty Queen contests. War, genocide, famine, drought – not as important as making sure a contestant in the Miss USA pageant stays on the path of  right wing nonsense.

I’m curious as to why so many people thing God has nothing better to do than make sure they win football games, beauty pageants and such. What this says to me is the losing side must be in league with Satan, I mean after all why didn’t God help them win? Seriously, when you are cooling your heels at the bus stop or stuck in traffic, mull this over in your mind. I’m sure you will have a Road to Damascus moment over this stunning revelation. Then again maybe not….

Makes you stop and wonder, doesn’t it.

see more Fail Blog

I go by the store in the photo many, many times during the week. It is amazing how oblivious we can be to our surroundings until something finally registers in our subconscious and demands we pay attention.

That happened about 2 weeks ago as I trundled by this spot yet again. It was at that moment the store name finally registered somewhere in my mind. I walked about 1/2 a block and I stopped. What was wrong with that sign? I backed up and looked, but nothing registered so I started back towards the subway.

Again I got a little way up the street and that nagging little part of my mind that says something isn’t quite right surfaced again. I had to back up and look again. Then it hit me. Oh proof reading – such an undervalued skill. At least I get a good giggle everytime I go by it now.

Oh for a good proof reader

A couple times a week, I pass by an out-of-service escalator. It’s been out of service for about a year now so I don’t pay much attention to it – I’m used to seeing out of order escalators. A sign used to hang on the wall with an estimated repair time – which past 2 months ago.

The sign is gone and replaced with a new one. I’ve never bothered reading the sign until today. You’ll never guess what reason the TTC is giving for the still out of work escalator. Here’s the message (I’ll try to get a photo tomorrow):

  Constricted walkway due to hoarding and ongoing escalator maintenance.

Come on! Is the TTC making fun of us?

Hoarding? 

Seriously, who the hell hoards escalator parts?

Is there an International Escalator Cabal who has cornered the market on parts?

Is there a secret warehouse filled with escalator parts hidden deep in the Canadian tundra?

Really – these questions need to be answered!

I’m having a real Monty Python moment here in Toronto. I wander all over the city and see lots of signs – I tend to ignore most of them. But this one always gets to me. Take a look at it… it says “No Live Animals Allowed” and it shows a picture of a parrot on it. I see this in a variety of stores and coffee shops.

A couple of things about this sign give me the giggles:

Why is there a picture of a parrot on the sign? I don’t know about your city, but people here don’t tend to wander the streets with a parrot on their shoulder. You really don’t have to warn folks not to bring their parrots into any eating establishment – not even the pirates.

Is it necessary to say No LIVE Animals? Seriously, who is going to be dragging their dead pet about the city with them? Each time I see this sign, I have visions of John Cleese coming in with his very dead parrot demanding service. I asked the clerk at one coffee shop if it was okay to bring in my dead parrot but this went right over her head. She obviously has never seen the famous Monty Python skit.

My entire point is, it is not necessary to specify whether the animal is dead or alive. What frightens me is the logic that may have been behind this sadly written sign – it implies dead animals can be brought in. I never refer to my ham sandwich as a Dead Pig on Toast, nor do I call my meatloaf Defunct Ground Cow. We do not refer to our edible meat products as animals so it is unnecessary to specify the establishment will only allow dead animals in. It’s a given. The sign is referring to pets anyway. Who in hell is going to try to bring in dead Fluffy and Rover?

Let me give you a tip to help you through the day, if your pet has died, bury it – don’t take it to Starbucks for a latte.

So who created this little masterpiece? The city of Toronto. In case you are not aware of it, Toronto is a large metropolitan city, not farm country. The sign should read No Pets Allowed. Or, No Animals Allowed if you happen to be in an area rife with goats and chickens. And no caveats about them being dead or alive please and thank you.