» bad writing

Spam is best served cold.. oh wait isn’t that revenge?

catpaw — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 19:48:12 +0000

Spammers are such idiots. I’m sorry, but .. well… there is no better way to describe them. I love scooting through the junk they try to leave in the comments section. I’ve been getting long, rambling, incoherent requests to write entries for my blog. They all invariably guarantee “quality content” or “quality writing” and almost always link back to a product they are selling. Actually I am interested, but only if you meet the following criteria:

You must be able to write moderately correct sentences. Leaving one long, run-on sentence does not provide me with confidence that you can write “quality” articles. I don’t want to do a lot of editing because I can’t be bothered.

Don’t attach a link to a page selling a product. Again, it boils down to confidence. I’m not interested in shill posts.

You’re not getting paid, so give up any hope I’ll part with any $$ I misspend on lattes, catnip and my secret fund to conquer the world.

Punctuation is so undervalued. An utter lack of punctuation is guaranteed to send me into a tizzy, and before you know it, I’ve written a snotty article about how periods and commas have become an endangered species

If you have an idea that would fit into this blog (and lord knows I’m all over the map here), then please submit the idea. I can forgive some basic grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I can be tremendously patient with someone who is struggling to learn how to write, but if you send me a hash up, expect a rejection.

Don’t send an insulting message about how the blog stinks and you can do better. If you really think this, then go create a blog and rant on your own nickle. Don’t expect me to be all warm and fuzzy and agree with you, especially if you can’t figure out TypIng LiKe This Is Not InTeLlIgEnt, it’s simply annoying, not artistic or cute. I don’t respect idiots with keyboards, oh and if you didn’t want a public response, then don’t send stupid messages to me. You have to know it’s like dangling catnip in front of me.

Before you post a comment, make sure you post it in the correct area as well. I love the spammer who has left this identical comment, under different names, a number of times:

“This website article shows how well you comprehend and know this subject.”
What subject? You mean the article I wrote about general stupidity? Well that’s where you left your comment. I’m not sure if he was saying I’m an expert in stupidity or I’m stupid. Double edged sword! Oh Gods of Irony, thank you for serving that one up on a platter.

But the spammer who is near and dear to my heart is the one who turbo spams his idea about making a fortune by spamming mobile phones:

“Hey all, i want to share with you a brand new method to making money online that is HUGE and very easy to make money. It’s [insert most recent con job here]. There are more than 5 billion mobile phones in the world and just over 1.8 billion people use the internet [cool, an endless supply of humans to really annoy]. This website give you great details information on how you can get into [pissing off your potential customers, and while I'm ranting, is it so difficult to construct a coherent sentence?] and get a slice of your share. I personally made just over $1100 with this system just YESTERDAY! and on average make $500-$1200 per day [heh heh heh yea.. right]. It’s very easy and anyone can do it [well this is obvious, any monkey with a keyboard can spam]. Take a quick look at their video for more info, some really good stuff guys.”

I have a one word response to this: bullshit. Or is that two words bull shit… no no.. it’s definitely one word – bullshit. Yes, you to can turn a budding business into a pariah in a couple easy lessons. Send me $2 via Paypal and I’ll send you instructions on how to do this. Also note, it’s generally a good idea to have a fairly decent looking website and one that doesn’t vanish and pop up on a new server every week. It must be hard wearing out your welcome so quickly and getting the boot from your server.

I’m very disappointed though. So far Mr Crabby Pants Spammer, who left me the snotty message about 2 weeks ago, hasn’t been back. Do you think I hurt his feelings? I can but hope.

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History according to WikiAnswers

catpaw — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 21:27:29 +0000

I’m going to rename my blog. I’m going to call it “Stupid things I’ve found on WikiAnswers”. They have a motto over there “There are no stupid questions”. I used to believe this… before I began looking around W/A. After reading a number of the answers I’ve given up on that faint hope.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are great people over there that labour valiantly against the tide of illiteracy, ignorance and arrogance. Unfortunately a few of the worse offenders of misinformation are the supervisors themselves. Sometimes there is a hint of the truth buried in the details of their answers which gives the answers a air of legitimacy. But bad information is still bad, no matter how hard you try to twist the facts to fit your personal take on history. I write this primarily as a cautionary tale for people to be careful where you get your information. Have faith, but not in what you find on the Internet.

I had a running battle with one of the supervisors over the origins of baseball and for the final time “NO ABNER DOUBLEDAY DID NOT INVENT IT!!” The first documented game occurred in Beachville, Ontario on June 4, 1838 long before Doubleday came on the scene. But this supervisor relentlessly posts it was good ole’ Abner despite being shown evidence this was a fiction that no baseball historian believes.

This self-confessed historian also insisted that the participants in the Boston Tea Party were “Smugglers of Dutch tea. They didn’t like it because the British had lowered the tax on tea and would cost them money.” I can’t even begin to understand this answer. She repeatedly inserts the tea was too cheap argument into answers. High school history was a couple of decades ago, but if memory serves me, it was high taxes (among a number of other issues) that sparked the Tea Party, not cheap tea. She has this fascinating take on the Revolution, that it was basically a plot by tea smugglers to keep the price of tea artificially inflated to maximise profits. She often calls the smugglers Dutch tea smugglers, which implies the Dutch themselves were involved in the Revolution.

She loves to write answers that are partially correct and erase additional information made by other people. Here is an excellent example:
Who were the Sons of Liberty and Daughters of Liberty?
There was only the Sons of Liberty and they comprised 12 men before the American Revolution.
The answer was partially correct. The words Sons of Liberty and the American Revolution were good. Other than that … no. There were Sons and Daughters of Liberty, their existence is well documented.

She isn’t content to tamper with just American history, she revises … well … just about every bit of history:
Where did the medieval people get clothes?
Here answer was: Clothing was made by hand either from wool or linen. Most people wore a wool tunic in the Roman fashion.
This is partially correct. But it doesn’t deal with nobility. Someone added much more detail but she erased it. So now we have people wandering around thinking Kings and peasants wore the same clothing.

What were medieval teachers called?
There weren’t schools or teachers in the middle ages. So, they weren’t called anything. About 90% of the population couldn’t read or write.
Well, I guess that answers that. Just don’t tell any of the Universities that were formed during the Medieval period. She is correct about the illiteracy, but to erase centuries of intellectual history because you don’t either pick up a book or use Google to verify your statement, is baffling. A quick search on the Internet called up dozens of credible links dealing with the history of Medieval Universities.

What kind of animals would be killed in a middle ages butcher shop?
There was no butcher shop and people caught or grew the animals that they killed. You have to remember there was no good method to keep meat fresh, so it was killed and eaten the same day. Types of meat eaten were beef, lamb, goat, chicken, fowl of all sorts, hare, rabbit, deer, eels, boar, pork.
This isn’t just wrong, it’s nonsense. They ate what they killed the same day? There were methods of preservation and NO people did not eat an entire deer in one day. For the record, butchers have been around a long, long time. Butchers Guilds were formed as early as the 1300′s, with many of the records still around. This was an honoured profession. The guilds broke down butchering into various levels of skill and types of meat/preservation etc required. Yet again, a quick search will take you to pages and pages on the history of the Guild of Butchers.

Did medieval explorers have ships?
There were no middle age explorers. Exploring didn’t start until the late 1400′s.
So much for the Portuguese explorers and Marco Polo. Oh well, they don’t count I guess.

There are pages and pages of this type of nonsense. I make jokes about them, but periodically I become stressed because I know people take the answers as the truth. It’s becoming easier for historical revisionists to rework history, because they have a ready and eager audience who will believe whatever you post on the Internet. Just sound like you know what you are saying and Voila! Instant history remake. The inherent problem with WikiAnswers, it has a large student audience. I shutter to think of some of the homework being handed in. If you have supervisors, the gatekeepers of information, posting nonsense, how can we trust the source.

I think my will to live is being sapped out of me. As I said in a previous post “my pain is your pain”. Here are a random sampling of some of the more ludicrous answers given to legitimate questions. For the record, none of the answers were supplied by my favourite bugaboo supervisor. These are just random folks piping in with their answers.

After ww2 what countries did Russia take over?
none except the country of Georgia and Georgia is free after fighting. East Berlin is still controlled by Russian Government.

Are stasi the secret German police?
The Stasi, known as SS, are the secret German (Nazi) police and bodyguards for Hitler. They were the feared warriors of the Nazis. They had a fighting group that was considered one of the best fighting groups the Allied Forces had ever encountered. They were also called The Waffen SS. The SS would kill a person without provocation. So the general populous really feared them.
Do you want to sigh now? Go ahead, get it out of your system. It will only get worse as you read on.

How were wounded soldiers treated after returning home from world war 1?
Harry Houdini saved money and donated it to help the wounded soldiers after world war I
Actually, I rather liked this answer. It was so, divinely cockeyed. Didn’t answer the question, but it was fun.

WHEN did Russia leave the war war in world war 1?
When the Soviet Union was formed, Russia was to busy capturing small closer nations to make themselves stronger the signed treaty with the Allies and later on allied with Germany. It was until world war 2 when there allies were broken with the German invasion of the Soviet Union.
This was a real potpourri of inaccurate information cloaked in misinformation, hidden under a kernel of truth.

Is religion a big part of england’s people?
… Many claim they are believers but they do little with that belief to the consternation of the spiritual leaders and the Queen of England. She is a very devout and devoted born again Christian.
Elizabeth, born-again Christian? Do you want to call Number 10 and warn them or shall I?

Who did the Germans attack in1939?
The Germans attacked Poland in 1939 then kicked the Poles out of their own country and next he moved his own Germans into Poland. He put the Polish Jews into concentration camps.
Ah that old mistruth cloaked in a kernal of truth. I’m not sure which is worse, the incorrect information or the idea that there is a hint of legitimacy to it that makes it so hard to put down.

Did winston churchill have syphlis?
No, Winston Churchill did not have syphillis. He was a family man and did not contract STDs.
Oh yea, no one has ever, ever cheated on their spouse and brought home an unwanted souvenir from their dalliances. No married man has ever contracted syphillis. Randolph Churchill was supposed to have contracted syphillis although there are some reports that have cast doubt on this.

What year did the Holocaust happen?
1941 until 1945
This is so wrong. So terribly wrong. So very, very wrong. No wonder Holocaust deniers are having a field day. So much misinformation is being passed off as fact, it is making it more difficult to stem the tide of denial.

Be very careful where you get your information from. If you have a child in school, for the love of all education, vet the places they are getting their “facts” from. Check and then triple check the information. Better yet, a quick trip to the library might provide a reliable way of checking the information gathered.

Be afraid, be very afraid.

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Okay so I lied to you – here’s another silly answer

catpaw — Thu, 06 May 2010 20:08:00 +0000

I stumbled across this tortured answer to a question about what the duties of a Medieval Nun were. Of course I had to share it with you. My agony is your agony. I added the paragraph breaks so it would be a bit easier to read. Everything else is exactly as the writer typed it:

As Monarchy was the dominant form of government in thos Feudal days, it is only right and proper that among other roles, Nuns functioned as both spiritual advisors and ladies -In Waiting to Queens and Princesses, among other noblewomen.

as recently as l926 In Italy and l952 in Portugal , Nuns, probably nurses, performed mortuary functions for Queen Margherita of Italy (In l926) and Former Queen Amelia of Portugal in l952.l

The Portugese ex-Queen died in Versailles, so missionary hoisital nuns had to be seconded from a Paris-area Convent. so they funcitoned inthe usual Nun roles as teachers and also nurses ( or equivalent) Undertakers for the females of the nobililty,and the usual churchly functions such as sacristan (supervisor of church housekeeping an specificaly that of religious articles)

This evolved into the interesting (Logistics Apostolate) of the St. Zita Convent in New York, responsible for Religious artifcles logistics of ocean-going ships. ( a big pipeline for ship re-supply ran under l4Th street, near their convent- a big coincidence. ) No, the Nuns did not run the Tanker-supply pumps, but did distribute religious articles to ships. COn Ed runs the pipeline.

Don’t you just love the right turn from Feudal days to nuns don’t run tanker supply pumps. No clue why the writer felt obliged to add the bit about Con-Ed but it adds a certain … oh .. I don’t know… stream of consciousness feeling to the answer. I just hope some poor kid didn’t trot back to school with this clipped into their essay.

I now have this lovely image of nuns in penguin suits, leaning up against a tanker truck chewing gum and pumping gas. Wow, that’s an image that will burn your retinas out!

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Nice to know the Americans are satiny smooth

catpaw — Mon, 03 May 2010 00:47:04 +0000

I know.. I know.. this will be the last for awhile. I promise. But Wiki can be such fertile grounds. A good question passed by my screen. What caused the Iran Hostage Crisis? Very good question. Want to read the answer? Are you sure? Here it is – exactly as it was written:

the ruler of iran told his people that america was satin and evil. when he got cancer he requested to be treated by american doctors. this made the ppl of iran mad and they revolted agenst there ruler taking 66 US citizens

Ohhhhh… so close! More proof spell check is the handiwork of Satan.

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Lurking for sanity

catpaw — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 01:06:01 +0000

Every so often I get a bit bored and need something to kick start my brain. When that happens I wander over to Wikianswers and look for really, really odd questions. Although there motto is there is no such thing as a stupid question, there is such a thing as monumentally silly ones and very badly written questions that can be misinterpreted. There is also another category, perfectly legitimate questions that simply hit my funny bone in a certain way. Here’s the latest crop and of course my smart ass responses that I would dearly love to leave:

How do you get a clownfish to mate?
First thing you have to do is send his big clown shoes out for a quick shine. Nothing turns off females than a sloppy looking mate. Get the little clownfish car tuned up too – a couple of ill timed backfires will certainly put the damper on any hanky panky in the back seat.

How long do you cook the chopped fins and tentacles with the garlic and onions for stuffed squid?
Wow, where did you find that squid? Fins? You might want to check your squid supplier to see you are really purchasing.

What type of habits do squids have?
They have lots of bad habits, like gambling on-line, leaving their socks lieing about and don’t get started on their habit of leaving all their shoes lieing about the floor. There are a lot of squid questions on line today.

What is it called when a woman have sex with a squids?
Just … weird… really, really weird. And creepy and … just what the hell were you thinking that led you to ask this question! See, I told you, a lot of squid questions. Do you think it’s the same squid obsessed individual or is there something strange in the water supply?

How do you crochet an octopus?
After the 3 previous questions on sea creatures, this one sent me into spasms.

How is sushi cooked?
You might want to look up the definition of sushi before you break out the skillet

To make the two triangles below similar what would the values of x and y have to be?
Cheating on your homework would be a lot more successful if you included the picture of the two triangles

Does justin baber got msn?
Do you got grammar?

How oz in 1 leter?
Sigh…

Is 3oh3 brothers?
Oh sigh again…

What does star wars empire at war map editor?
Once in a while I can’t help but think a coherent thought might be called for.

What do goldfish do before they die?
Put their estates in order.

Is it illegal to give your dog liposuction?
Stop being an idiot, feed your dog less and take it on more walkies.

Can a microwave be used to open a coconut?
Give the coconut one hard whack with the microwave and I’m sure it will crack open.

On december 10 i sent a check for 215 to be paid in full to my roman’s account please confirm you have received it
I just know there is a question lurking here somewhere.

Transformers how big is sideways?
Oh, about sooo big.

How runescape is educate for kids?
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Converse black kiss double tongue low top sneakers where can i find a store that carries sells them
Is that a shoe or a sex position?

Who will win in a fight bill gates or oprah?
Wouldn’t you love to see this? Will it be full contact?

Why did Aberham Lincon die and how?
(This is the answer posted, not mine)People in the South didn’t want slavery to end. John Withs Boths shot him he died the next morning.
I want to know did John Withs Boths die the next morning or did Aberham?

Should you get a sitar
(This is the answer posted, not mine) If you like Indian music, by all means you should get a sitar. If you like Scottish, go for the bagpipes instead.
Not a thing wrong with either the question or the answer. I posted it because I loved the lateral move from sitar to bagpipes.

When was the subway used?
I personally used it about 7 hours ago. But I’m pretty sure it’s being used right now.

You wonder how dogs have such good hearing. well dogs have such good hearing because they have something tiny in their ear?
I didn’t stop giggling for 5 minutes after reading this one.

Why was pa founded?
Cause ma wanted pa to go down to the cellar and git more moonshine. (Although I’m reasonably sure the person meant PA as in Pennsylvania)

How do you build a blanket fort?
(This answer was supplied and it is utterly brilliant!)
SUPPLIES: 2 OR 3 BLANKETS
CHAIRS, COUCH, OR TABLES
PILLOWS
OPTIONAL SUPPLIES:
SNACKS
PORTABLE DVD PLAYER
DVDS
FRIENDS
PORTBLE VIDEO GAMES ( such as a Nintendo DS or DSi)

I can think of all sorts of other things to put in a blanket fort like a nice down sleeping bag, favourite stuffed animals, flashlights. Oh the fun to be had in a blanket fort. We used to make forts out of our bunkbeds. We’d grab all our blankets and hang them down from the top bunk – it was perfect. The bunkbeds were everything from forts to submarines and caves. Hmmm… they also served as great parachute platforms. Only problem was pillow cases make really rotten parachutes as we discovered one cold winter day. It’s surprising my siblings and I made it out of childhood in hindsite. We also learned that just because you call something Superman’s cape doesn’t mean it will let you fly, umbrella’s don’t work like they do in Mary Poppins, never stick your tongue on a frozen metal pole, and flattened cardboard boxes make great staircase toboggans (Mom didn’t find out how her lovely cuckoo clock was broken until all of us were safely in our adulthood. Actually none of us fessed up until we were well into our 30′s).

Rats, now I wish I had bunkbeds again!

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Could you repeat that?

catpaw — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 17:23:33 +0000

The home of the English language is in dire need of a lesson on how to use it. Well, to be honest, the Police Chiefs (Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) need a remedial course on how to write coherently. Read this from their response to a proposed reform initiative:

The promise of reform which the Green Paper heralds holds much for the public and Service alike; local policing, customised to local need with authentic answerability, strengthened accountabilities at force level through reforms to police authorities and HMIC, performance management at the service of localities with targets and plans tailored to local needs, the end of centrally-engineered one size fits all initiatives, an intelligent approach to cutting red tape through redesign of processes and cultures, a renewed emphasis on strategic development so as to better equip our service to meet the amorphous challenges of managing cross force harms, risks and opportunities.

If you read the sentence – and it is indeed ONE sentence – you kind of get the general idea of what they are saying… kind of. Maybe…

I think the ACPO have gotten all hot ‘n bothered about possible reform of the the current red tape heavy policing system. I think… But I’m still pondering “amorphous challenges of managing cross force harms, risks and opportunities”. Do you think they mean “develop flexible strategies to deal with the complexities of modern policing”?

My head hurts now. I have a literacy headache. Or is that a mangled grammar migraine? I’m going to go and have a coffee… and not think about that sentence any longer.

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